Things Only God Can Forgive

My father recently let my sister know that if I would simply allow a relationship between him and I to exist, he would assist me financially. Ironically, he did not come to me with this offer himself and I highly doubt he ever will.

My father is a cruel human being. I wish I could say otherwise, but it is the truth. When I was thirteen he told us he was leaving my mother. It was the day before Thanksgiving and my mother was due to come home the next day after a lengthy stay in a mental institution. My sisters and I would later learn that he had told her (after her last round of ECT, also know as Electro-convulsive Therapy) that she would not be coming home, that he would take custody of us and that it was up to her to find somewhere else to live. We would much later learn that he had taken a mistress.

My father spent the next year ignoring the children he so ardently demanded custody of. He would spend vast amounts of time outside of the home, having his mother care for us. When he was home he was verbally abusive, particularly to me, who was most like my mother. After spending a summer with my mother at her parents house, my sisters and I eventually decided to live with her and my mother, who my father said was to ill to ever care for us, fought for and won custody.

My relationship with my father began to deteriorate at an alarming rate after that. I’d have phone calls begging him to be the dad I remembered him being before the divorce. He would always turn it around on me, a thirteen year old, saying it was my fault for feeling the way I did.

When I discovered I was gay, things grew even worse. After years of toying with the idea of coming out to him, at the age of twenty I finally did. His words were, “I’m not thrilled with the idea, but what can you do.” Four years later when gay marriage was legalized in all fifty states, he went on Facebook to condemn it. For me, who was filled with nothing but pride, that was the end of things.

My father is a terrible person. He is holier than thou and filled with nothing but false promises and accusatory statements. In the end, I suppose it’s true. Some things, only God can forgive.

2 thoughts on “Things Only God Can Forgive

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