Today I decided my family and I should grab take-out for lunch. It was a simplistic goal made even more simple by the fact that my sister is home from college and was able to go get it.
Unfortunately for me, I let her leave without giving her the means to pay for it. For a few minutes, it looked like I was going to have to run back out and get lunch for everyone.
I know this sounds simplistic. It is, in it’s very essence, a first world problem. But, for the few minutes where it seemed like I was going to have to run out and procure lunch, my mother and I had a discussion about what depression is like. Depression makes every single action seem impossible. Getting lunch, doing homework, doing something enjoyable; all of it is insurmountable. When I’m depressed, I walk around the house like the undead, not sure where to put myself, simply occupying space. So today, when it looked like lunch was on me, I felt yet another wave of exhaustion wash over me. I think a lot of people associate depression with sadness. Depression is in part sadness, but it is also suffocating. It is the absence of everything but exhaustion. Things you once found joy in suddenly and without warning lose all meaning. That is my life right now. That is why lunch was desperate.