Losing It

I’m losing my patience. My mother is going through an intense med change and I, along with my younger sister, am responsible for helping her through it. She is dealing with extreme psychosis so one of my many jobs is waking up to help her four to five times a night. Pretty much after every bad dream.

My sister has a life. That is what makes this hard. She has friends. She has people that she wants to see. I do not. So it becomes my job more than anyone else’s. I don’t fault my sister her social life, but right now it makes me angry nonetheless. I think I’m just angry in general right now. The worst part is that I can hear that anger coming through in my dealings with my mother. Questions like, “Am I safe?” are met with a very exasperated, “Yes.” followed by a long exhalation. I know I’m coming off like an asshole. But I’m tired.

I need things with to get better. I was worn out two months ago and I just can’t cope anymore. It doesn’t help that I’m bipolar as well. These long nights of caregiving mean less sleep for me. Or sleep during the day. None of it is ideal for a bipolar person. So I’m getting frustrated. And I’m exhausted. And I’m feeling a little hopeless. And I need some help or for something to change. Because I know I’m losing my mind. And an inpatient stay at a psychiatric hospital is starting to sound like a vacation.

Signed,

Horrible Person.

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